


sober (but high on your love).

by jingyeoms



Series: lost and found [2]
Category: BTOB, GOT7, JJ Project
Genre: Angst, Angst and Romance, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drug Abuse, Drug Use, Explicit Language, Fluff and Angst, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mental Institutions, Romance, Unrequited Love, endgame markjae, i’m genuinely sorry about this this is lengthier than i intended it to be, toxic penmark, unrequited markjin, very subtle harassment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-12
Updated: 2018-02-12
Packaged: 2019-03-17 06:29:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,670
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13653354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jingyeoms/pseuds/jingyeoms
Summary: Mark doesn’t get better when Jinyoung leaves. Perhaps there were moments when Jinyoung was around that Mark had been getting better – he’s still broken. He’ll always be that way. Broken and fucked up, the way Peniel left him.(read: youngjae isn’t the remedy, but he most certainly is the treatment.)





	sober (but high on your love).

**Author's Note:**

> wow. so about two months after completing my jjp doc, which this originally spurred from, it’s done. i started writing this about mid January, and it’s done, nearly a month later and fifteen thousand and seven hundred words later, it’s finished. it feels a bit bittersweet, because i poured so much of my time and my heart into this, but i’m beyond excited to share my baby with the world.
> 
> also this is only self beta-ed so please forgive me for any typos and if there is anyone interested in being a beta for me do hit me up on twitter my @ is listed in the end notes!
> 
> TRIGGER WARNINGS: drug abuse, self esteem issues, very minor sexual harassment  
> if any of these are triggering to you, do click out or at least know what you’re in for! this is a very heavy story about 80% of the time, and peniel is also such an asshole please forgive me.
> 
> i’ll stop chattering now. enjoy!

Mark hates the feeling of Peniel’s skin on his own – but it’s addictive and alluring, but perhaps it’s the marijuana circling through his bloodstream, perhaps that’s the reason he’s so drawn to the crooked smile on Peniel’s lips as he holds his waist and kisses him like there’s no tomorrow, the taste of cigarettes on his lips. 

Peniel never holds him like that when the both of them are sober. Mark doesn’t know what sober love is like – he doesn’t think he’ll ever know what sober love is like. He loves the thrill of a fogged up, run-down Jeep at the side of the highway, the lingering scent of weed intertwined with the sounds Peniel manages to elicit from him, the way his hands know every nook and cranny of his body, but Peniel never touched him when they were sober. 

But Mark still believes it, he believes the distant whispers of  _ I love you _ as Peniel straightens a line of cocaine, urging him to snort it without a care in the world. He believes because the sound of Peniel’s voice telling him he loves him when he places a tablet of acid on his tongue is the only love Mark ever felt. And if the only way Mark can love himself is through a cocktail of intoxicated kisses, then so be it. 

Mark is sober when Peniel breaks up with him. He thinks – he thinks since Peniel is gone, he’d finally be able to stop, but if the only way Mark is able to love himself is through drugs, why should the sight of Peniel walking away without a word sober him?

Mark overdoses and the last thing he hears is the shrill scream of his eldest sister. He acts okay. He smiles, and he understands that he’s there to get better, to rehabilitate, to learn to love himself again, to take care of himself again.

He feels sorry for the boy who sleeps across from him, weeping. It’s the first night and he has no words in his throat, it’s dry, his heart and head ache, and he has no idea how to help a boy who is just as broken as he is. 

“I’m Mark.” He croaks, in the morning, when the boy’s eyes are stinging red from crying all night, and the bags beneath his eyes are heavy. “I hope you’re alright. I am always here to talk if you need me.” 

He learns his name –  _ Jinyoung, he says in a hushed voice _ – but Jinyoung just feigns a smile and nods, not saying any more and just turning around to face the wall instead. Mark’s heart clenches a bit – he thinks it’s sad how even in here, he continues to hate himself and people continue not to care. He spends a lot of time in their shared bathroom when Jinyoung is asleep staring at himself, mumbling curse words, berating himself, not once whispering words of love to himself in the dark of the night. Mark never loved himself sober.

Jinyoung finally asks, and Mark finally understand that his care doesn’t have to be one sided. He plays it off, shrugging. “I’m here for rehabilitation. Substance abuse.” 

“I’m sorry you have to deal with me.”

Mark ruffles his hair affectionately. “It’s okay. I’ve been there too, you know. It was the whole reason I started what got me here. But don't ever use it as an outlet for your depression. There’s better ways. Safer ways. We just have to keep looking.” He laughs to himself,  _ bullshit _ .  _ Don’t preach about shit you can’t do yourself _ . 

“If there’s safer ways and you know that, why did you do it?” He doesn’t mean to sound rude or ignorant – he just doesn’t understand. 

He smiles at Jinyoung, genuinely, he never did that with Peniel. “It’s not that easy. My ex was the reason I got into drugs. I blindly loved him, I let him get me high, I believed that if I had to get high for him to love me, I would. The only way I loved myself was if I was high, because he loved me when I was high, when we’d have intoxicated sex. It wasn’t that way sober, so I kept getting high, to love myself and get him to love me again, the way he did. And when he left, it was still my pathway. I still thought I’d feel good about myself that way, and I overdosed.” 

Mark hates how sad Jinyoung looks when he tells him that, so he reassures him, even though it isn’t okay. “I’m getting better. Focus on yourself, not on me.”

Mark should’ve followed his own advice. Each day he becomes more and more caught up in Jinyoung’s life, in struggling to help him, let him know that he is loved, each day he becomes more and more in love with Jinyoung and it _ hurts _ , because the one time he was sober, that person would never want him back. 

Mark wishes Jinyoung could talk about him the way he talks about Jaebum, the sparkle in his weary eyes are enough to awaken the pulse in Mark’s veins, he wishes so badly he knew what it was like to be loved by someone so stunning, someone who held the entire universe in his hands whenever he smiled, by someone who is so invested and so compassionate. He wants to know what it’s like to be kissed by Jinyoung, to be held by Jinyoung, to be loved by Jinyoung, but he’s only a distant dream, because Jinyoung looks at Jaebum like all the stars are in his eyes, and Mark doesn’t blame him. 

All the times Mark thinks Jinyoung isn’t asleep when he looks at himself in the mirror he isn’t. Jinyoung doesn’t explicitly tell him that, but Mark notices when he sees his round eyes wide in the moonlight that seeps through their curtains. Mark doesn’t do it again, he knows he’s been caught - he doesn’t want Jinyoung to think he isn’t getting better. 

Even if he’s not. 

Mark doesn’t get better when Jinyoung leaves. Perhaps there were moments when Jinyoung was around that Mark had been getting better – he’s still broken. He’ll always be that way. Broken and fucked up, the way Peniel left him. 

It’s as if the world is on his side, when Peniel shows up right in front of his eyes and kisses him senselessly, a puff of weed-intoxicated smoke slipping between their lips. Mark nearly chokes when he kisses Peniel back, but he clutches tightly to the reds of his shirt as if his life depends on it – because if Jinyoung isn’t there, there’s nothing left to keep Mark sane. 

He kneels down on his bruised knees as Peniel straightens the crystal lines on the table, he knows he shouldn’t feel eager as he neatly rolls up a piece of paper and his ex-boyfriend’s fingers are slipping beneath the waistband of his pants, but the feelings induced by the marijuana made him all the more excited to do more. He leans down and holds the paper up to his nose, inhaling diligently, not leaving a single crystal left on the table. He smiles when he receives praise from Peniel telling him about how he’s doing so well, his hands sinking deeper and deeper underneath Mark’s pants before he’s letting out a hoarse groan.

Mark wakes up fucked up. He wakes up and Peniel is gone, his head hurts, and he’s come down from the high he hardly remembers having. His entire body flushes when he remembers the returning feeling of Peniel’s lips on his, the sweet praise whispered in his ear as they made love, the room thick with the smoke from Peniel’s abandoned joint and the sound of skin slapping and Mark’s desperate whining. Peniel always knew how to give Mark a good time when they were high, but the void in Mark’s heart never seems to go away.

Mark swallows thickly when he finds the small plastic bag stuffed between the books on his bookshelf, and he shuffles over on his banged up knees, a slave to temptation as he begins to lay it out on the wooden table.  _ One, two, three _ . He takes a small slip of paper and rolls it by memory, eyes wide and anticipating, wanting to slip away from reality the way he knows best. 

He gets cut off when he hears the door of his bedroom creak, and his head snaps up, and his love is there, shocked, confused, and angry. Mark has never hated himself more. He drops the paper, heart pounding in his head and his chest, feeling bile creeping up his throat, and he backs away until there’s no room left to cower in fear and sadness. “Why are you here?”

“Why’d you do it? Where’d you get it? You’re better than this-”

“No, I’m not, Jinyoung. He-he came back. He told me he loved me, he kissed me and held me, slipped it into my pocket and told me he’d be back to give me more because he knew I couldn’t take it anymore. It’s the only thing pulling me out of my depression, he’s the only thing pulling me out of my depression. I’m not better than this, I’m a fucking addict, I’m a wreck, I’m useless and I’ll die just like this. Drugged and miserable.” 

Jinyoung breaks down in tears, Mark hates that it’s a familiar sight. He hates even more that it’s because of him. “Maybe you should go home, Jinyoung.” 

Mark hates that Jinyoung can’t even look up at him. He hates that he can hear the sniffles of his nose, he hates that his love had to see him like this – seen the way he shouldn’t be seen. “I can’t, I came to see you, because I need you. I can’t go home.”

“I’m not good for you, Jinyoung.” 

“You saved my life.” He looks up at Mark with red and teary eyes, “you’re one of the two good things in this world for me. I need you, I need to see you be happy, I need you to join me in the outside world. If you tell me to go home, I might just end up back here.” 

“Jinyoung, please, just go home.” He begins to sweep away the lines of white powder on his table, storing it back in a plastic bag and throwing it inside a drawer. “You can’t see me like this.”

“If I can’t see you like this now, how do I know if I’ll ever see you again? If next time I come here you’ll be dead because… because you let that asshole manipulate you as drug you again with the excuse that it’s love?” Jinyoung stomps into the room, shutting the door behind him. “I’ve been in love, hyung. I’m in love, and love is not bringing drugs to someone who’s desperately trying to fight off addiction. Love is not bringing someone their kryptonite and telling them to keep it around because it’s love. Love isn’t any of that shit. Love is looking at the same person that they see in the mirror and loving what they hate, love is doing everything you can to heal the other person. I know the way you look at yourself, hyung.”

He swallows the lump in his throat when Jinyoung tells him about love. He tells him things about love that Mark has never known sober, at least not until Jinyoung came around. Mark knew what it was like to be high and in love, to be wanted after a few hits from a joint, he knows the feeling of fire and desire on his skin, but only burn marks left numb on his flesh in the morning. Mark has known love, but the love he has known has been toxic, it’s infiltrated in his heart and his mind, but meeting Jinyoung was like the clearness of a running stream days after a rainstorm.

Jinyoung was love. He was the embodiment of love. Mark feels it when they touch, when Jinyoung looks at him with utmost fondness in his eyes, when he holds him in his arms, and when his lips brush against the skin of his scarred wrists so as to heal them. Jinyoung was sober love, with Jinyoung, lucidity was the only word on his tongue, because loving Jinyoung felt more real than anything else ever did. Jinyoung, however, could never be his. He envies the way the mention of Jaebum sparks a twinkle in his eyes, he envies that Jinyoung can heal Jaebum, and Jaebum can heal Jinyoung. 

He whimpers, replaying the look on Jinyoung’s face constantly in his mind, the hurt, the betrayal. Mark doesn’t deserve Jinyoung. Maybe he’s better off loving Jaebum, after all. 

“I’m going home.” 

Mark doesn’t have it in him to reach out to him, so he just sits there, crestfallen as Jinyoung walks out the door and away. Mark irrationally thinks that he could love Jinyoung better when Jaebum punches him on a limb. What hurts more than the punch is the fact that Mark is the reason Jinyoung is nowhere to be found, and he has probably lost the only significant person in his life at this point. Jaebum is seething, and Mark knows he’s bipolar, he knows of his episodes, but he’s seething because of Mark, and Jinyoung is missing because of Mark. It’s always his fault. Mark decides he could never love Jinyoung better. Jinyoung could never want him.

No one’s ever wanted him. 

Mark hates himself even more when Jinyoung shows up in the middle of the night and he can’t bring himself to apologize. Instead he just suppresses his self loathing and soothes Jinyoung the only way he knows how to, choking down his own insecurities and his own selfishness to keep Jinyoung here with him, to kiss him and pour his love into his lips, to hold him the same way Jaebum holds him – to make him love him and look at him the same way he looks at Jaebum. An unattainable dream, he tells himself. 

The nurses begin to keep a closer eye on him, warranting daily room searches for any hidden drugs, and requiring constant blood tests. Mark never tests positive, but they ban visitors. A few days later, Mark’s nurse tells him that she’s leaving, and that a new nurse will be coming to fill her space as his assigned nurse permanently. Mark doesn’t really mind – she didn’t make much effort to care for him other than checking up on his health and occasional drug test. Not a lot of the nurses were very compassionate, or at least, none of the ones he’s met. 

The first time Mark meets Youngjae, he doesn’t know how to feel. The boy is clad in sunshine-yellow scrubs, tiny hands tucked into the pockets at his waist. His stark black hair contrasts with the vibrancy of his scrubs, but the cheeky smile on his face is all the same. It’s the most energy Mark has ever seen since he’s been in the hospital, but he’s not complaining.

He enjoys the way Youngjae’s feet scuttle against the floor as he escorts Mark to the cafeteria, his worn out tennis shoes squeaking against the white tile. He enjoys that each day, Youngjae’s scrubs are a different color, but they’re all bright and beautiful, much like the smile that adorns his lips. It gets Mark smiling a little more, because he spends each night wondering what cute little animal is going to be embroidered into the pockets of his shirt the next day.

Mark enjoys that sometimes, Youngjae will take time out of his day to sit down with Mark in his room when he can read he isn’t feeling particularly good. He doesn’t pry, but he listens if Mark asks, and he is kind and lovely to him.

“Nurse Choi-” Mark calls out, just when Youngjae is just about to close the door of his bedroom. “Do - do you have anywhere to be…? Or can you stay?” 

Youngjae shakes his head softly, shuffling back into the room, keeping the wooden door slightly ajar. “Well, not abruptly, no. You’re always my first priority.” 

“Could... could you stay for a bit?” His voice is shaky, a bit anxious. “I’m afraid that if you leave me alone I might do something bad. And that really scares me.” 

Youngjae immediately shuts the door, realizing the seriousness of the situation and not wanting anyone else to unhinge Mark. “Of course I can stay.” His lips curve up slightly, and he takes a seat on the unoccupied bed across from the elders. 

“Can we just talk? I don’t care what it’s about. Maybe, tell me about you, if.. if you’re okay with that. I know not everybody is exactly okay with telling someone crazy everything there is to know about them.” He purses his lips, as if to hold back words, but Youngjae isn’t stupid – he isn’t a specialized nurse for nothing. 

“There’s a hanging  _ but _ , or  _ and _ . There’s something else you want to say, right? It’s okay, Mark. This is a safe space. You can tell me anything.” 

“Come sit with me?” 

Youngjae smiles warmly, Mark’s entire body feels warm with how incredibly friendly the nurse is, and he scoots over to make room for Youngjae, but only enough so Mark can feel the warmth radiating from the former’s body, their shoulders and knees barely brushing. “What do you want to know about me?” 

“Everything.” Mark sighs softly. “I- my last nurse never made the effort to build a relationship with me. Whenever I saw all the others and their nurses and counselors, they were always so close. I want to not just feel like you can take care of me, but that I can rely on you. As a friend.” 

Youngjae squeezes Mark’s knee gently, looking at him with glassy eyes, almost touched that the patient wants to form a bond with him. “Well, I suppose we should start simply, then. Instead of calling me Nurse Choi, just call me Youngjae. You’re older than me anyway, I always bite back calling you hyung, because you’re still my patient. And we weren’t on a mutual first name basis.” 

Mark chuckles softly at that, flashing his canines at the younger boy, something he’d never done thus far, and Youngjae appreciates that he can tug a bit of a smile out of him. From that very moment alone, he begins to learn the gratifications of his job. “So… why a nurse?”

“Not just any nurse. I’m a specialized one. For mental hospitals, like this. I chose it for moments like this. Moments to see even those who I know are the most broken inside smile so hard that it reaches their eyes.” He laughs softly and sits back against the wall, pulling Mark with him. “Like, when you chuckled just then? I knew that was real. And it reminded me why I do what I do, and why I love what I do.”

“Have you ever had someone whose smile never quite reached their eyes?” 

“Of course. Happiness isn’t instant. Some don’t even care to listen to me or take into account my efforts. But the ones that do, are the ones that want to learn as much as me. And I appreciate that.” He tucks his hands into the pockets of his scrubs, today they’re a periwinkle blue with brown embroidery around the hems.

“And the colors?” 

“Colors are important. Sometimes the world seems so black and white – especially with psychiatric patients, you all are so focused on what is going right and what is going wrong. You tend not to see color, you tend not to see what lies between the lines. The colors of my scrubs just serve as a reminder. To both myself and my patients.” He glances around the blandly colored room. “Each color is associated with something new, something emotional. It’s a reminder that there are feelings and emotions rather than the harsh ones we experience all the time. Today’s color is periwinkle. Do you know what that means?” 

Mark shakes his head no, doe eyes wide and staring at the nurse in anticipation. “Serenity. It means serenity.” He waits for Youngjae to elaborate, and he doesn’t have to ask. “Everyone seeks serenity. Within themselves, with others, within the world around us. Sometimes it seems unattainable, but it’s all here.” He jabs a finger lightly at Mark’s left chest. “You look for serenity in yourself.” He smiles warmly and tucks Mark’s locks behind his ear, patting his hair gently. “You’ll find it.” 

Mark learns how truly profound Youngjae’s thoughts are. Behind his light hearted personality is someone who is intellectual in the mind and in the heart, and the timbre of Youngjae’s voice, smooth, deep and rumbling in his chest, calms Mark’s initially anxious nerves. “Are you feeling better?” 

“Yes but, can you still stay? I want to continue talking.” 

“Well don’t make me do all the talking now. My throat’s about to go dry and you’ve said only three words.” He laughs, it’s hiccuppy and joyful, and Mark can’t help but giggle alongside him. 

“Fine. I… I wanted to tell you how I ended up here in the first place, anyway, and why I have a visitors ban, and why I am the way I am. Because for someone in a mental hospital, I understand myself a bit much.” 

“Well, you’re here for drug rehabilitation, technically. Not because you’re crazy. But everyone’s a little crazy.” 

“Yeah.” He laughs. “I… I overdosed. But you knew that already. My ex-lover often drugged me into believing that they were in love with me. I already struggled a lot with self confidence issues, I still do, but they would get high, and get me high, and we’d have sex. We’d be intimate - we’d do what lovers did.” He runs a frustrated hand through his hair. “But when we were sober he treated me like shit. I was so blind, I was so blind and in love with something that wasn’t there. I felt good when we were together. I associated being high with being loved, feeling loved, being wanted. So I kept doing it. I thought getting high would make me love myself sober, I thought if I did it enough, he’d love me sober, too.” 

“I never learned to love myself sober. I didn’t know what sober love was like, he just kept drugging me, the drugs kept getting harder, stronger, I kept wanting more, I wanted attention, I wanted love, I wanted to feel  _ wanted _ , so I chased after the feeling and did everything he asked of me. My body began to crave it, so even when he wasn’t around, I abused it.” He swallows thickly. “And then I came here and I met my roommate. I made the fucking mistake of falling in love with him. You know what the worst part is? I’m not even deserving of his love. He left, he got better, and he caught me, he caught me  _ here _ , snorting lines of cocaine. All this time I made him believe I was getting better, I was never getting better. I’m more broken than he ever was. I always will be.” 

“Not always.” Youngjae shakes his head. “You’re going to get better. We’re going to pick up the pieces and make you spankin’ brand new. Trust me when I say you are amazing. And whether that takes you one day, one week, month, or year, or years, for you to believe, I will be here every step of the way.” 

“I’m very thankful for you Nur- Youngjae.” He feigns a smile, because he can’t quite feel happy, despite the gratitude in his heart and the warmth he feels coasting through his veins. “I appreciate you so much. I wish I could showcase it better.” 

Youngjae hops off the bed, and Mark can’t help but already miss the warmth of his nurse next to him, but he doesn’t complain, because Youngjae is still at work, after all, and has other patients to attend to. He has no right to be selfish and hog the nurse all to himself when there are people who are more in need than he. “I’m really glad you’re feeling better.”

“It’s thanks to you.”

“Who are you kidding, all I did was talk.” He laughs and glances at Mark for a few moments. “Want a hug?” 

“Please?” 

Youngjae chuckles and wraps Mark in his embrace, it’s warm, it’s caring and kind, and Youngjae makes sure to communicate the message that he will always be there to support Mark unconditionally. Because not only is it his job as a nurse, but his duty as a friend. He pulls away from the hug and squeezes Mark’s arm. “I have to go, but I will make sure to stop by before I go home, alright? You know what to do if you begin to feel bad or anxious again.” 

He flashes Mark his signature smile once again, exiting the room, the creaky door shutting quietly. Mark stares at the empty bed across from his, for once feeling okay that Jinyoung isn’t there, and for once accepting that the love between him and Jinyoung would never work out as more than friends. 

Mark hears of Jinyoung trying to visit, but being declined. He hears of the fits Jinyoung throws when he isn’t allowed in, and Mark’s heart hurts and flutters simultaneously, because his body aches to see Jinyoung again, but what good would it do him to see the younger boy when he’s done nothing but hurt him? But Youngjae notices the way Mark lights up when he hears Jinyoung’s name buzz around the hospital, so he pulls him aside, fingers wrapped delicately around his wrist, Mark looking at him with wide eyes. “Is something wrong?”

“No, no, not at all.” He chuckles. “I was just wondering, if you wanted to see him… I could pull some strings on your no visitors rule if you really wanted me to.” 

“You would do that for me?”

“Of course I would. It seems like this boy finds you really important, and the little twinkle in your eye doesn’t go unnoticed when he’s mentioned. So if you really want me to, I will. He might still be out there waiting… wanna come?” 

Mark nods eagerly and Youngjae slips his hand into Mark’s, guiding him toward the lobby, where Jinyoung still stands waiting for a miracle to happen. Mark hasn’t seen Jinyoung in weeks, and he is still as beautiful as he remembers him. Youngjae flashes a smile at the desk manager, convincing her to allow Jinyoung and Mark to be together, with the exception that he will monitor them for anything suspicious. 

She eventually gives in and Youngjae still grasps onto Mark’s hand, jerking his head at Jinyoung to make him follow them to the garden. He stops when the three of them are inside, and Jinyoung and Mark have matching, gigantic smiles painted across their lips. “Thank you, Youngjae. I appreciate you so much.” He whispers softly.

“Of course. I don’t want to interrupt anything personal, but I did say I would keep an eye on you, I trust you though, not to harm Mark,” he gives Jinyoung a once-over before smiling, “so I will be just here, and you guys can walk around if you so choose.”

Mark loves seeing Jinyoung like this. Surrounded by flowers and greens, the freshness filling his nostrils, and he immediate associates the smell and sight with Jinyoung, and his body visibly relaxes. “Let’s walk.” Jinyoung starts, and Mark complies. 

Mark nods and walks alongside Jinyoung, walking close enough to him that their shoulders are touching, and Youngjae watches from afar, a gentle smile on his face, because the happiness on Mark’s face is incomparable to anything he’s ever seen. Youngjae thinks Mark is almost glowing. 

“I’m sorry about last time.” Mark starts. “I was just so broken. I didn’t know what to do. I’m getting better. They’re constantly monitoring me for drugs in my bloodstream, they’re checking my room, they banned visits because of my ex, and because Jaebum punched me last time. They’re doing their best to help me.”

“Were you getting better when I was around?” 

“Truth be told?” Mark tilts his head. “No. I wasn’t. I’d have cravings and I still struggled with self-love issues, and you know that. I like to think that I got better when you were around, but I was so focused on making you better that I didn’t make me better. But you are better now. You’re the most beautiful and most amazing I’ve ever seen you. I’m proud of you. Now it’s time to focus on me.” 

Jinyoung’s cheeks flush at the compliment, and he nudges Mark softly. “Well, I’m glad hearing that from you. I wish I could do more for you. I don’t seem to do anything but ruin things.” 

“No, that’s really not the case.” He scratches his head. “To be honest after you left for the last time it got a lot harder for me. I think my nurse got sick of it and left. Then I met Youngjae, you know, the shunshine-y boy with the sun in his smile and all the colors of the world in his heart, the one that made this all happen – he’s a big help.” 

“You seem close.” 

“We are.” He rubs his nape timidly. “Or we try to be as close as a nurse and patient can be, anyway. He’s good company when the room feels a little lonely.” 

Jinyoung’s facial expression softens, something from subtle happiness to vivid sorriness, sadness. “I’m sorry for leaving.” 

“That’s not in your control.” Mark smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes; selfishly he wants to hold onto Jinyoung with every fiber of being. He craves the comfort of Jinyoung more than the toxicity of chemicals, he craves to put his lips on Jinyoung’s own, and hold him from moonrise, to sunrise, to sunset. He misses the gleam of Jinyoung’s big brown eyes on his loneliest nights, the eyes that would melt the wall around his heart and soothe the fire on his insides.

“You’re going to get better, right? That way I can see you more often.” Jinyoung’s fingers tangle in Mark’s locks, and he looks at him with hope in his eyes. “I want to see you more often. My best friend.”

The words sting, but Mark nods to satisfy Jinyoung, leaning into his touch. “You should probably head back home, now. Jaebum will be worried.” 

Jinyoung’s hand drops from Mark’s hair, and he smiles at the mention of his boyfriend, nodding. “I should. I wouldn’t want to keep him waiting.” He tugs on Mark’s arm, pulling him back toward the entrance of the garden, where Youngjae is still waiting, playing games on his phone. “All done?” 

“Yeah, Jinyoung has got to get back home or his partner will worry.” 

“Fair enough. Your counseling session is in a bit, anyway, so I would’ve fetched you.” Youngjae stands up straight, glancing between the both of them. 

Jinyoung grins cheekily and presses a kiss to Mark’s cheek. “I’ll hope to see you soon, hyung.” He walks out, and Mark watches the familiar sight of Jinyoung’s retreating figure. He wishes Jinyoung wasn’t always  _ leaving _ , wasn’t always walking away from him. 

The kiss burns. Mark flushes a bright red, and he places his cold hands on his cheeks to cool down, not missing the soft chuckle emitting from Youngjae’s lips. “He’s important, huh?” 

“He’s everything to me. Absolutely everything.” 

“Well then I’m glad I could help you see him if he’s that important.” He tugs on Mark’s arm to lead him out of the garden and escort him to the counseling office. “I’ll be back in an hour, yeah?” 

Mark doesn’t know where the rush comes from, but he really hates himself when he asks Youngjae to stay when he’s just about to go home for the night, but he can’t take back the tears welling up in his eyes and the screaming of his insides that so desperately want to come out. He’d just come back from his counseling session, and his amount of self loathing increased from talking alone – the counselor didn’t even do anything, it was all his fault.

He sobs, burying himself in Youngjae, hiccuping and hugging Youngjae tighter. “I’m sorry, I’m so-sorry. You mu-must be so tired, and ye-yet you’re here dealing with me when I’m so  _ fucked up _ .” Youngjae just shakes his head, soothing him and rubbing circles on his back with one hand, the other caressing his hair.

“You’re my priority. You know that already. You shouldn’t have to feel sorry.” 

“I don’t deserve you.” He hiccups, body heaving up and down, “I don’t deserve anyone, I never did – there’s a reason Jinyoung doesn’t love me back be-because I’ve never been worthy of someone’s love.” 

Youngjae stays silent – Mark has opened up to him about a lot of things, but never love. Never how he felt about being loved after his ex, never about Jinyoung, and he doesn’t know what to tell him. It’s the most vulnerable Youngjae’s seen Mark so far. Mark finally calms down after a few moments, and he looks up at him with swollen red eyes, sniffling softly. Despite calming down, he still looks a bit tense, so Youngjae grabs his hand, his soft hands pressed up against the rough, clammy, and shaking ones of the elder, and he squeezes it. “Wanna know something?” Youngjae finally starts, and he takes it as an okay when Mark nods. 

“We spend a lot of our lives wondering when others will come love us.” The pad of his thumb rubs up against the back of Mark’s hand, soothing him subconsciously. “And when we’re old enough to understand that love is going to others and not to us, we begin to think what might be wrong with us. Everyone works at their own pace. Maybe there’s a God, and maybe there isn’t, but there is some force out there who has those people, who are meant to love us, and meant to make us feel good, and they’re trying to get to us. There’s seven billion people in this world, you know? I bet that force only has so many hands.” 

“If there’s one thing in this world that I want you to know, Mark, is that you are beyond worthy of love and care. Your heart is so big. You give so much, always, you always give and never take, and if there are people in this world who think that someone like you isn’t worthy of their love, then they’re wrong, but undeserving of you. I look forward to coming to work everyday because of you, you know? I’m working so hard to help you understand how to love yourself because I care for you so,  _ so  _ much.” He nudges Mark, using his other hand to play with the elders fingers, something he’d learned soothed the patient.

Mark leans his head on Youngjae’s shoulder, shaky, tear filled sighs escape his throat, but he’s grateful, and Youngjae knows that. It shows. “Please stay until I at least fall asleep?” 

“Of course. Want me to sing you a song?” 

“You sing?” 

He nods. “When you’re out of here, I’ll take you to the café I sing at every Friday night. You’ll see them my life outside of the scrubs.” Mark knows he was going to let Youngjae go when he falls asleep, but he can’t help but lay his head on Youngjae’s lap, finding a comfortable position and closing his eyes.

“Sing.” 

Youngjae sings one of his mother’s favorite songs, carding his fingers through Mark’s brown locks and letting the words and notes fall from his lips with ease. Mark falls asleep faster than he expects, but he doesn’t want to wake him, and decides he’s okay with staying there until morning. 

When Mark wakes, he’s still on Youngjae’s lap, and the nurse has fallen asleep, head hanging heavily forward. He feels sorry and sits up, sighing and gently pulling Youngjae down to lay down and sleep. Because of him, Youngjae wasn’t even able to go home and freshen up, because for the first time in his life, Mark selfishly held onto someone he needs. He cleans up himself, coming back to a barely-awoken Youngjae who rubs cutely at his eyes. “Sorry for making you stay.”

Youngjae just smiles and waves around a dismissive hand. “It’s okay. You needed me.” He stands up and stretches. “Did you sleep well?” 

“The best in a long time.”

“I’m glad to hear. Now, I’d stick around, but I think I’ll stop by the staff room and change into the extra scrubs in my locker, and brush my teeth, too.” He chuckles and pulls Mark into his side, squeezing him affectionately. 

Mark doesn’t see Youngjae often that day, he figures he’s busy catching up on all the things he should’ve before leaving work last night, he still feels sorry, but doesn’t know what to do to make it up to the nurse. He shuffles around the hospital, even lingering by the staff break room to look for Youngjae, rocking back and forth on his heels. 

“Mark, what are you doing here?” 

“Oh- uh, I was looking for you.” He rubs his nape shyly, face warm at his confession, despite it being normal to look for your nurse.

“You know you could have just called. What’s wrong?” He slips his little hands into his pockets, observing Mark quietly to try to read his emotions. 

“No-nothing! I was just wondering if you wanted to have lunch with me, or something, because I know you couldn’t pack a lunch this morning and the food from the cafeteria is actually really good and I wanted to repay you for staying last night.” He takes a lung full of air, realizing that he’d been rambling. 

Youngjae’s eyes curve up into a smile before his lips, and he runs his fingers through his thick black locks. “I’d love to have lunch with you, Mark.” 

Mark chews on his lower lip bashfully, nodding and hooking his arm around Youngjae’s, walking side by side to the cafeteria. Like he’d said, he gets meals for the both of them, and they settle at a small table off to the corner, ignoring the whispers of gossip that the patient and nurse are eating together. 

“I hope it doesn’t make you uncomfortable. The gossip of eating with me and all.” 

“Of course it doesn’t. You’re my patient, and I’m allowed to be close with you. It’s a shame they can’t be as close with their nurses that they can spend this much one-on-one time with each other, right?” 

Mark smiles at that, feeling reassured that Youngjae actually enjoys his company, and he eats his food, picking at it quietly with his chopsticks every so often before stuffing a small portion into his mouth. 

“Eat more.” Youngjae scolds, chuckling softly. 

Mark doesn’t say a word and obliges anyway, not playing with his food anymore but instead putting reasonable portions into his mouth that there isn’t even room to talk. Mark chuckles when he sees Youngjae’s stuffed cheeks, it’s endearing how the usually mature nurse looks childish and lovable – not that he doesn’t always look lovable, but that’s against Mark’s point. 

He doesn’t know what comes over him when he leans forward to poke Youngjae’s cheek, and he giggles, covering his mouth with his hand, a habit he learned from Jinyoung, his eyes smiling. “Sorry. Couldn’t resist.” 

Youngjae just shakes his head and rolls his eyes, swallowing down his food and cleaning up after himself. “Well that was certainly a delicious meal, Mark, thank you.” 

Mark’s heart drops to his stomach when Youngjae makes the move to leave, and that sinking feeling settles, it settles faster than Mark’s realization of his feelings for the kind nurse, because Mark doesn’t realize that he hasn’t felt that sad watching someone walk away since he loved Jinyoung.

_ Since he loved Jinyoung. Loved _ . 

And God, did Mark love everything about Youngjae. Perhaps love isn’t the correct term, but nothing can exchange the giddy feeling he gets in the pit of his stomach when he wakes, knowing that today he’ll see Youngjae. He realizes that he spends his mornings while he gets ready wondering how Youngjae will style his hair today, what color scrubs he’ll be wearing today and what meaning they have; Mark loves most when Youngjae wears the yellow scrubs.

The yellow scrubs shine nearly as bright as Youngjae himself. They represent happiness, joy, and Mark can feel that radiating off the nurse, just the pick-me-up he needs. When Youngjae wears yellow, Mark feels more compelled to hold his hand, to wonder how pink-dusted cheeks will compliment the warmth of Youngjae’s skin tone and it’s compatibility with the bright color.

Most of all, he loves Youngjae’s company. He feels loved, he feels cared for, and he feels wanted. Youngjae makes him feel all those things, things he never felt being in love with Jinyoung, and most certainly not with Peniel. Loving Jinyoung was different. Jinyoung is his best friend. They care for each other the way mothers love their children, but Jinyoung’s smile never made Mark smile, and that’s what’s different.

Because Mark can’t help but smile when he’s around Youngjae. 

Mark throws a bit of a fit when a nurse comes in one morning and tells him Youngjae is ill, so she’ll be taking his shift for a few days. He hates that the flu is going around, and that he has no way to check on the nurse and see if he is okay. He’s stubborn when the nurse comes to take him for a checkup or to counseling, childishly dropping all his weight so she can’t drag him. He asks for Youngjae constantly, but the nurse just shakes her head, saying he’ll be back soon and begging him to obey or else Youngjae won’t come back.

He misses Youngjae so much that his body aches. His drug cravings have turned into a need for attention, affection, and it’s been days since he’s had it from the person who did it best. He stomps around the hospital when he sees a familiar yellow figure in the distance talking to another nurse. 

He bubbles up excitedly, dashing toward him and wrapping him up in a hug. Youngjae’s familiar maniacal laughter fills his ears, and he leans into the hand that wraps around his waist. “Hey.” He chuckles, pulling away from the hug, despite Mark’s whines of protest. 

The other nurse shakes his head with a smile, walking away. “I will leave you two alone, then. Someone missed his nurse.” 

Youngjae ruffles Mark’s hair affectionately, and Mark has to suppress the giggle that the butterflies in his stomach are threatening to push out. “It was only a few days. How are you doing? Were you nice to the substitute nurse?” 

“As nice as I could be.”

Youngjae pinches his side and Mark yelps, shuffling away from him. “Well I’m glad you didn’t kill anyone waiting for me. I had a feeling you’d miss me.” 

“Yeah? You did?” 

“Yeah, I’m kind of a  _ really awesome _ nurse. So it’s no surprise that you’d look for me.” He chuckles and holds his hand out to Mark. “Come on. It’s mid afternoon and you look like you’ve just woken. Let’s get you changed.” 

Mark takes Youngjae’s hand, and they’ve done this countless times because of how much it comforted him, but his heart can’t help but flutter, because Youngjae took his hand to  _ take _ it, not to soothe him. “Hey, Youngjae?” He asks, when he’s obediently changed into different clothing and he’s made himself look presentable.

“What’s up?”

“Do you think I’ll be out of here soon?” 

“Do I think? I  _ know _ .” 

“As in you  _ know  _ know, or you just think I’m getting better so I could be released soon?”

“I don’t tell secrets.” He places a finger over his lips, playfully. His heart soars when he sees Mark’s eyes light up.

“So that means I’ll be out soon.” 

“If you continue to show good progress, I promise it’ll come sooner than later.”

Mark presses his lips to Youngjae’s cheek, and his lips begin to tingle, a hot blush rushing up his cheeks. “Oh my God.” He mumbles, shyly looking away and muttering incoherencies. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to, that was so out of nowhere!” 

All he hears is Youngjae's sweet laughter before a set of soft lips are pressed up against his temple, lingering a little longer than Mark anticipated, and a hand snakes around his waist.

He sputters out incohesive words, shyly leaning into Youngjae’s touch and being  _ totally  _ obvious about his new found feelings, but the nurse just laughs, hugging him from the side. Youngjae’s arm drops sooner than later, and Mark has to stop the pout from washing over his expression and the whine from slipping through his lips. “I’m so embarrassed.” 

“There’s nothing to be embarrassed about! It was a sweet gesture and I appreciate it. It lets me know that I’m doing at least a half-decent job.” 

“Half decent? You’re amazing…” Mark mumbles, rubbing his nape and staring at the ground shyly.

“That’s why I said  _ at least _ , silly.” He squeezes Mark’s shoulder, ruffling his hair. “Now, I’d love to stay, but I’ve been sick and have responsibilities that I have to catch up on. So you be good and get something done? I heard your counselor asked you to do some feel-good things.”

Mark nods. “Okay.”

“You have a blood test in two hours, so I’ll be back then to take a sample. Stay out of trouble.” He chuckles and smiles at Mark. “I don’t know why the doctor keeps asking me to do tests, though. You’ve been clean the entire time I’ve known you.” 

Mark beams at that and Youngjae walks out of his room with a wave of his hand, leaving the elder to collapse on his bed dreamily. 

When Mark loves, he falls  _ fast _ , and he falls  _ hard _ , it’s no surprise that in such a short amount of time, Youngjae has scattered butterflies in the pit of his stomach and sent shivers down his spine. But the intensity of his feelings for the kind nurse is nothing he’s ever felt with Jinyoung or Peniel.

When Mark loves, it’s deep, but it’s not intense, not immense, and yet that is everything he feels for Youngjae. He loves the simplest of details, the smallest of actions send him over the moon – he never expected to say it so soon after Jinyoung walked away, but he is so undeniably in love with Youngjae and he can’t control that. 

It’s so different, it’s so explicitly different how Mark loved Jinyoung and how Mark loves Youngjae. Jinyoung was the soothing rain that eased the burns that Peniel left, he was the cool breeze after the fire scorched his skin. He eased the pain, distracted him with his seemingly calm temperament – but Jinyoung was still a storm. Jinyoung was the thunder that rumbled deep in his gut, the lightning that struck each inner working of his heart and of his mind. Jinyoung was slippery slopes and banged up hands, the seeping of saltwater into the cuts on his palms stinging, aching, a façade of renewal but tainted in its own unique way. Youngjae is the blooming spring. He is the clean air after the storm, the sweet scent that fills his nostrils, the scent of drying rain and blossoming flowers, fresh cut grass and dandelion seeds blowing through the wind. Youngjae is his dream of chaste kisses as cherry blossoms fall around him, he is the warmth that soaks into his skin to cease his shaking body. Youngjae is so ethereal, and loving Youngjae finally feels like he can breathe. 

When Youngjae comes back to do a blood test on Mark, his heart is pounding in his throat, he doesn’t know why he’s so nervous when he spends everyday with Youngjae, but he decides the idea of knowing he loves Youngjae and how deeply in love with him he is, it’s excusable.

Youngjae goes through the drill, at first wrapping the cuff of the blood pressure monitor around his arm and tightening it snugly. He notices how tense Mark is. “Why are you all tight?” He squeezes the elder’s shoulder. “Relax, is something wrong? Your blood pressure is going to be too high if you’re this tense.” He massages his fingers into Mark’s arm, knowing now that his touch acts soothes the elder. 

Mark does his best to relax, allowing Youngjae to turn on the machine to take his blood pressure. He takes deep breaths, trying to calm himself down as the pressure releases. Youngjae glances at that machine a few times, eyebrows knitting together in confusion.

“You’re not usually like this. Is something wrong? You can talk to me.” He squats down beside Mark’s bed, a worried look written all over his face. “I know this isn’t what’s getting your blood pressure this high, because doing a drug test is like sleeping for you. What’s up?” He looks up at Mark with big doe eyes, he swears his heart could melt.

“I dunno, I guess I’m just still kinda embarrassed about what happened earlier…” He half-lies, scratching his head and staring down at his feet.

Youngjae smiles that beautiful smile and shakes his head, resting his forehead on Mark’s knee briefly. “Alright, fine. Let’s make a deal here. You stop being so embarrassed because there’s nothing embarrassed to be about, and I’ll write down a normal blood pressure to give to the doctor because I  _ know _ there’s nothing irregular about you, and we take your blood like we always do.” 

Mark nods at him meekly and leans back against the wall, tucking a pillow underneath his arm to rest on while holding his arm out for Youngjae to start the process. “Wanna know a secret?”

“I thought you said you don’t tell secrets?”

“Ah, right.” He laughs and ties Mark’s upper arm with an elastic band, wiping down his skin with an alcohol wipe. “But I want to tell you this one.” 

“Okay.”

“If you test negative on this test it’ll be your last one ever,” He starts, slowly poking the needle into Mark’s vein. “And you’ll be out of here within a few days.” 

“R-really? You think so?”

“I know so.” He smiles. “Make a fist, what are you doing? You were supposed to relax when we were taking your blood pressure, not your blood.” 

Mark giggles, leaning his head back against the wall and smiling widely when he sees that dreamy smile on Youngjae’s lips. “Sorry.” 

“And you know what, Mark?” He collects the last of the sample, pulling the needle and wiping down his arm and pressing a cotton ball to the junction, sealing the bottle all at once. “I know you’ll be out of here for sure, because you’ve been so amazing these last few weeks. I’m so proud of you.” 

“Ah, but being out of here means I won’t see you everyday, and you’ll get assigned a new main patient.” 

“Are you kidding? You’re still my main patient. Don’t think I won’t be keeping an eye on you when you’re gone. You may be gone from the hospital, but definitely not from my sight. And I really wasn’t lying when I said I’d take you to hear me sing.” He puts the container on a tray and hands a box of juice to Mark, as well as a pastry from the bakery. “Eat up. I’ll come back with your results.”

Mark smiles sweetly and begins to snack on the pastry and sip the juice, reminiscing of Youngjae singing him to sleep and combing his fingers through his hair. Youngjae’s touch feels like electricity, he wonders how energizing it would feel to kiss Youngjae, to hold him by the waist and claim him as his own; he wonders what it would feel like to love on Youngjae, to listen to his melodic giggles as he kisses down his neck, and listen to their music as they make love.

When Youngjae comes back he pulls Mark into such a tight hug, Mark hears sniffling and almost thinks he’s crying – or is he? When Youngjae pulls away, he’s got a wide smile, a red nose and glassy eyes. “Two days, Mark. Two days and you’re out of here. I’m so proud of you. I’m so, so proud of you that I could kiss you!” 

Mark’s heart leaps into his throat, eyes wide with shock. 

“Not that I’d actually do that.” He laughs and hits Mark’s chest, pulling him into another hug. “Mark, there are literally no words to explain how proud I am of you. When I first met you, you were so scared and so alone, the nights I spent up with you just talking to you and soothing your anxiety are etched into my brain in all the best ways possible. You know that you’re glowing, right? When you smile, it reaches your eyes, and nothing makes me happier than that. You’re  _ amazing _ . You’re  _ so amazing _ , Mark. You amaze me, you know? You’re the greatest person on  _ earth _ .” 

“Now you’re just flattering me.” He laughs and pulls away, making room for Youngjae to sit next to him on the bed, patting it for him to sit. 

“I’m sorry, I just can’t help myself. I’m so overwhelmed with excitement for you. You have no idea how much I’ve been rooting you on.” 

Mark smiles bittersweetly. “I said that to Jinyoung too, that I was rooting him on. I was his biggest supporter, aside from his boyfriend. I wasn’t even my own biggest supporter. I didn’t have one. But you did that, you know? You taught me what self love is, and you taught me what true compassion is like. I didn’t foot this alone. Had you not come along I probably would’ve been stuck here much longer.”

Youngjae’s lips curl up into a half-smile, and he nudges Mark softly. “What’s the first thing you’re going to do?” 

“Wait for you to get off of work.” He laughs, rubbing his nape sheepishly. “I’ll probably go visit my parents and my siblings, and then Jinyoung.” 

“You’re okay with seeing Jinyoung?”

“Yeah. I’ve come to terms with a lot of things in the last few weeks. Falling out of love with him was one of them.” 

Youngjae caresses Mark’s cheek, and the touch burns in all the best ways. “Well I’m glad. I know I’ve said it a million times but I’m so proud of you.” 

“Thank you for being here every step of the way. I’m so indebted to you.” 

“You’re not. It’s my job. I mean, it’s beyond my job, but it’s my  _ job _ , you know?” He leans his head on Mark’s shoulder. “I can’t wait for you to be out in the world again. I can’t wait for you to live your life freely and spontaneously. There’s so many good things out there for you.” 

Mark takes a deep breath, packing the last of his things and staring at what was his home for a few months, smiling at all the good and bad memories that lie inside. Where he first met Jinyoung, where he loved Jinyoung and lost Jinyoung, and when Youngjae showed him that the sun shines even in all the places that you don’t look for it. 

Youngjae tugs on his hand, pulling him toward the lobby where his mother and sister wait, tears in their eyes. They both pull him into a hug, and the smell of their familiar perfume wafts into his nose, touching his soul. 

“Thank you so much for taking care of our Mark.” His sister smiles at Youngjae, bowing at him deeply. “Ready to go?” 

Mark hesitates, throwing himself into Youngjae’s arms for a final hug, nearly knocking him over with his weight. “Thank you so much. I can’t wait to see the world with you.” 

Youngjae’s hands are firm on his back, and he pulls away, taking a slip of paper from the pocket of his scrubs – today he wears yellow, Mark’s favorite – placing it in the palm of Mark’s hand. 

“This is my phone number. If you ever need me I’m a phone call away. And even if you don’t text or call me, I know your whereabouts, so don’t run away, okay? I’ve always got my eye on you.” 

“Of course. Of course I’ll stay in touch. You shouldn’t doubt that for even a second.” 

He gets in the back of the car and starts chatting away with his mother and sister, catching up. He tells them about how much Youngjae means to him and how much he’s done for him. He reminds them that if Youngjae had never come, he’d never leave. He wants them to be as grateful as he feels for the nurse, and he wants them to understand his heart.

Jinyoung left his and Jaebum’s address when he visited the first time. Albeit a bit scared being in public for the first time in months, he braves the walk to Jinyoung and Jaebum’s shared apartment, rapping at the wooden door.

“Mark.” Jinyoung says, breathlessly. He looks wonderful, he always does. “Come in. I had no idea you were out.” 

“Yeah, it was so sudden for me too, to be honest. Is Jaebum home?” 

“No, no, he’s at work.” Jinyoung leads Mark inside.

“Okay, I’m kind of afraid he’ll punch me again. He can really pack one, you know?” 

“He’s not mad at you.” He smiles softly. “You’re glowing. You look great.” 

“Thank you. I’ve been clean for a while now, and my counselor saw significant improvement in mental health, so they let me go.” He grins. “They let me go.” 

“Well, I think we have a lot of catching up to do.” 

“There’s actually something I wanted to talk to you about, too, anyway. Can we sit?” 

Jinyoung nods and pats a spot next to him on their couch, crossing his legs and folding them in his lap. “What did you want to talk about?” 

“Life after you left. Life when you were still around. And why I’m better, how I’m better. I shamelessly admit this now, because I’ve moved on, and I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable or anything, but I was in love with you, Jinyoung. I was so enamored by you, I thought you were so beautiful and yet so broken, I wanted to fix you but I tore myself apart in the process. I compared myself to Jaebum, I loved someone who would never want me back.”

“I struggled with that a lot to be completely honest. Because Peniel didn’t want me, and you didn’t want me either, so no one would want me, right? I was so enthralled, by you. Loving you was so different in comparison to loving Peniel, loving you was  _ sober _ . It felt so lucid, so real, so comprehensive, that I believed every bit of it. Every time you walked away I fell more into reality.” 

“But I began to accept it. And I started my healing process, slowly, but surely. You know, Youngjae, my nurse?” He suddenly flushes as he himself mentions the name. “He’s so beautiful, Jinyoung. He’s so beautiful inside and out, and I want him so much. I need him like I need oxygen, and it feels so good. Because when I love him, it doesn’t feel like I’m suffocating. It feels so light, and so  _ right _ . After you I thought I’d never love someone again, because there’s no one in this world that I could love like you but  _ God _ , he is everything. Just being with him puts me on top of the world.” 

“I thought that there’s no one in this world that I could love like you, and I was right. But my love for him is so intense, it’s so deep and something that I sometimes don’t even understand. But I understand now, Jinyoung. I understand what you mean when you told be about what love is. I don’t know if he feels the same, but it feels better than others. Because I know for a fact that there’s a chance.” 

Jinyoung looks almost starstruck. Not only has Mark never spoken that much to him in his life, but he’s deeply moved by his words. “Am I allowed to hug you?” 

“Of course. You’re my best friend.” Jinyoung pulls him into a tight embrace, rocking their bodies back and forth and crying onto his shoulder. “Why are you crying?”

“I’m moved.” He hiccups, pulling away. “A lot of the time I always thought you were more broken than me. But you always gave, and gave, and gave, and gave. You never took, you never received, you never allowed yourself to open up to help and open up to love. I just kept taking from you, I always felt so sorry, Mark, you have no idea. I’m more sorry to you than to anyone else in this world. You have no idea how much it relieves me to hear you tell me your story, and how you feel. And to see you shine so bright.” 

“I’m sorry I was never able to give you the love as a companion that you were looking for. But you’re my best friend, and I will love you that way and continue to love you that way.” He wipes his face, smiling. “There is greater love for you out there, and I’m so grateful you were able to discover that. You were part of the reason I discovered my self worth, and it hurts so much knowing I sucked it all out of you and took it selfishly for myself. Youngjae… he replenished that, though. You are so full of love, and you are so full of amazing things, Mark. Maybe you don’t know your full potential yet, neither do I, but we’ll get there.” 

They don’t notice the opening of the door, but their heads turn as soon as they hear footsteps. “Mark?” 

“I was just about to leave.” He stands up with a nervous smile, wiping his palms on his pants. 

“Oh? No, stay, stay! You’re always welcome here.” He scratches his neck awkwardly. “Sorry about that last time.” 

“It’s alright.” He smiles.

“If that’s the reason you’re leaving-”

“I promise that it isn’t. It’s actually Friday, and I promised someone I’d meet them today.” 

“So soon?”

Mark’s eyes sparkle when he makes eye contact with Jinyoung. “Yeah. So soon.” 

**to: nurse**

**hey, it’s me. it’s friday night, so i’m expecting to hear and see an angel tonight, correct?**

**to: mark ☀︎**

**yeah! where are you staying? i’ll come pick you up. around six.**

**to: nurse**

**six it is. i’ll send the address.**

To say Mark spends a little too much time picking out an outfit is an understatement, especially when Youngjae’s seen him in every physical state possible, but he takes it as his opportunity to dress to impress, to finally come off as attractive to the lad. He adorns himself in a fitted shirt and some jeans, a bomber jacket thrown over. “Do I look okay?”

“Why are you trying so hard? A date? It better not be with that asshole.”

“It’s not.” He laughs. “It’s.. with someone really important to me. I just don’t want to mess anything up.”

“You look stunning, little brother. Go sweep him off of his feet.” 

When Youngjae shows up, Mark squeals and darts toward the door. And when he thinks he couldn’t possibly be more in love with Youngjae, he genuinely believes that Youngjae is  _ the _ most attractive man on earth. His black locks fall in front of his face calculatedly, and his outfit is just any regular, everyday outfit, but Youngjae in something but scrubs has him head over heels. 

“So nice to see you in regular clothing. You look great.” 

He doesn’t miss the blush that paints Youngjae’s cheeks, heart pounding as the younger male takes his hand subtly and leads him to his car. The car ride is quiet, but comfortable, he indulges in the way Youngjae hums along to the radio and taps at the steering wheel in beat with the rhythm. 

The café is upbeat, but it’s not overrun with people. Velvety blue decorated the stage, and the grand piano looks a navy, akin to the color of the tables and chairs. The theme is pleasing to the eye, but Mark can’t help but focus on anything but the way Youngjae straightens his clothing out before he sits down at the piano, fingers gliding skillfully along the keys. 

He watches quietly, sipping at the cup of hot cocoa Youngjae had gotten him, knowing well he doesn’t like coffee, or, isn’t used to coffee anymore. He’s alone at a table just below the stage, but he doesn’t mind being alone while everyone chatters excitedly with their own dates, because he gets a front row seat to watch his love. Youngjae looks down at him when he’s about to begin, sending him a playful wink that sends Mark’s heart soaring. 

“This is dedicated to the person that I dedicated a lot of my time to, and will who will continue to be a receiver of my dedication, you know who you are.” 

Mark is so in love. Mark is so inexplicably, unbridledly, intently in love. And he can feel it in every word that Youngjae sings, every note that he plays, and he feels so much that the feelings are mutual, and he hopes to whatever god is out there that he’s right. 

After a few songs, Youngjae pulls him off to a secluded corner, a soft smile on his lips. “What did you think?”

“You’re amazing, fantastic. You’re so talented I just.. you make miracles happen in more ways than one.”

“But what did you think about the dedication?” 

“What about it?” 

“It was for you.” 

“I know, but why-”

“Mark, God,” He leans close, pressing his forehead against Mark’s, and he can feel Youngjae’s breath on his mouth. “I like you so much and I didn’t know any other way to tell it.” 

Mark swallows, so shocked, and yet so elated, he tries to speak but nothing comes out, so he just surges forward and kisses Youngjae with as much passion and love as possible, tears falling from his eyes as he cups his cheeks, pouring every ounce of his love into the kiss – and Youngjae is doing the same. When they pull apart, they’re both gasping for air, and Mark can see the love in Youngjae’s eyes, and it reassures him so much.

“Can - can we go back to your place?” 

“Of course. Yes, of course.” Youngjae nods and holds Mark’s hand tightly, grabbing his car keys and rushing out, driving them home. 

“I waited until you were out of the hospital. I didn’t want people to say anything hurtful toward you and I didn’t want us to get in trouble. I hope you can understand.” 

Mark squeezes Youngjae’s hand and kisses the back of it, unable to take out the love in his eyes and heart for even a moment. When they arrive, they waste no time kissing again, pressed up against the back of the door for what feels like hours, just kissing, and loving, and feeling everything they waited this long for.

Mark breaks the kiss after a few moments, tangling his fingers with Youngjae’s and pulling him toward the couch, not leaving even a single centimeter between the two of them. He throws his legs over Youngjae’s comfortably, a shy glance in his eyes despite how much they’ve already made out.

“I-I know it’s too soon because you said you like me only, but Youngjae, I’m so in love with you. I’ve been in love before but nothing feels like the way I am with you and I just want you to know that. You make me feel so special and so wanted, so beautiful and so worthy. I love you  _ so damn much _ , I’d say that it hurts to breathe, but loving you helps me breathe easy. It wasn’t like that the other times I was in love.”

Youngjae pulls Mark close to him by the collar and kisses him again, wanting to feel every inch, every nook and every cranny of Mark’s lips. “I’m not certain I love you now but I can guarantee that I will love you sooner than later.” He sighs contently, sliding his arms around Mark’s neck and burying his nose in his neck. “You’re so beautiful, Mark. I’m so lucky you’re mine.” 

“Yours.” 

“One hundred and ten percent.” He presses their foreheads together letting his lips brush against Mark’s nose in comfort. “When I told you the other day that I could kiss you, I really could. And now that I have kissed you, I can kiss you for an entire eternity. I’m addicted to you.”

Mark wakes up, a little shocked and he gets a little scared when he realizes he’s not in his little room in the hospital or in his own bedroom, but he’s quickly reassured when he sees Youngjae painted in the golden rays of the morning sun, his skin glowing. He smiles blissfully and kisses Youngjae’s temple softly, not meaning to stir him awake, but the nurse wakes anyway.

“You don’t have work today, right?”

Youngjae just hums and cuddles into Mark’s chest. It amazes the elder that the nurse has a side like this, someone who acts much more pure and innocent in comparison to the mature and wise Youngjae he has known. He loves him all the same, however, and accepts every side of Youngjae that he has to offer. 

“Go back to sleep,” Youngjae mutters unamusedly, tangling his fingers with Mark’s and dozing off again. Mark laughs softly and presses a kiss to his forehead grabbing his phone from the nightstand.

**to: m hyung**

**how’d it go?**

**to: nyeong**

**i’m so in love with him jinyoung**

**so**

**so**

**in love**

**to: m hyung**

**i’m assuming it went well.**

**to: nyeong**

**beyond well**

**he’s lying down sleeping next to me right now**

**he’s so beautiful like the sun**

**and no we didn’t have sex we just kissed for a really long time**

**to: m hyung**

**can we meet him?**

**to: nyeong**

**i’ll ask him when he wakes**

**can’t wait to see you and jaebum and finally not feel like i’m missing out on what it’s like to love and be loved**

Youngjae decides to finally wake, as Mark’s giggling was a bit of a distraction. “What are you giggling about so early in the morning?”

“You. Just, you. And the way the sunlight paints your skin, and the way just looking at you sends me over the moon. I keep giggling thinking about how kissing you makes me giddy, and how there’s no one in this world that makes me feel sober like you do. Everything about you is so right that it almost feels too good to be true.”

Youngjae smiles groggily, kissing his lips chastely and singing one of his favorite English love songs –  _ You’re just too good to be true, can’t take my eyes off of you _ . Mark smiles and pulls him close by the waist, kissing him with all his might, loving him up and trying to make him fall in love with him, not that he was very far off at all. 

“Jaebum and Jinyoung want to meet you. Formally. As my boyfriend.”

“Okay.” Youngjae smiles.

“It was that easy?”

“Well I’m pretty confident that you love me and not Jinyoung, and that Jinyoung and Jaebum are very dedicated to each other. So yeah, I’d absolutely love to meet your friends. Should I invite mine as well? They’d be ecstatic to finally meet this beauty I keep going on about.”

“Beauty.”

“Yeah. Beauty.” He smiles and sits up, pulling Mark with him and into a lazy kiss, before standing up. “Come on, I have to get ready and I’ll take you home so you can get ready too.” 

Mark is so in love with Youngjae. He could say that a million times but it would never get old, because Youngjae is and always will be everything Mark has ever wanted, he will always be more and more, and more. His love can never stop growing. 

Mark also decides that he loves Youngjae in casual clothing. He resists the urge to tangle his fingers in his messy updo or kiss his collarbones that his loose shirt doesn’t do much to cover – they’re not quite at that stage yet, anyway, but the slithers of revealed skin have Mark in an inner turmoil in seconds.

“God, you’re so stunning.” Mark coos when Youngjae comes out of the bedroom, ready to go. Youngjae beams at him and stands between his legs that hang off the table he’s sat on, and kisses him, hands held firmly on his waist. 

“I’m literally just in a T-shirt and jeans.”

“It’s better than scrubs.”

“Touché.” 

They drop by Mark’s shared place with his sister so the older male can change, and Youngjae waits outside the bedroom when a knock resounds on the door. He decides to answer it, as Mark’s sister isn’t home and the elder is busy getting ready.

“Hi, can I help you?” He smiles sweetly, leaning against the door frame.

The man furrows his brows when the unfamiliar face opens the door, and Youngjae doesn’t miss the smell of weed that seeps into his bones. “Are you Mark’s rebound?” He snorts, giving Youngjae a once-over. “C’mon, I just wanna know if Mark wants to take a few hits with me since he’s outta the place for the crazies.” 

“He’ll be okay without taking a hit, thank you.” Youngjae makes the attempt to close the door, nearly seething both at the fact that he’d been called a rebound, but also at the fact that they thought Mark would just be  _ okay _ with doing drugs again. He, however, sticks his foot between the door to stop Youngjae, smiling sickeningly sweetly.

“Since when did you make Mark’s decisions for him?” He raises a brow, rolling his eyes and holding up a joint Youngjae didn’t even know was there to his lips, lighting it and sucking in the smoke with ease. “Just let me see ‘em. You might be able to resist for him, but when he smells the sweet scent of the man that fucked him good each night, the smell of sweet release, he’ll forget that you even exist, rebound.” 

“Mark and I were about to head out, so if you could just leave us alone, we’d very much appreciate it.”

Fed up, the man pushes his way into the house, slamming the door and taking another hit from the joint. “Where’s my baby, feels so long since I last saw him. Stupid crazies locking him up with no outside human interaction.” He snorts. “He obviously went crazy enough to think the two of us were over. Rebounded so fast, too.” 

He hums and barges into Mark’s room, looking at him with a sleazy smile as he stinks the place up with the smell of weed. “Get the fuck out.”

“Aw, baby, you didn’t want to see me? I brought your favorite.” He digs his hand into his pocket and pulls out a small baggie of cocaine, waving it around shamelessly. “I know you want it, baby. Come give daddy a kiss and it’s all yours.”

“I said, get the fuck out, Peniel.” 

Peniel roots himself to Mark’s floor, an amused look painted all over his face. He crosses his arms over his chest, leaning against the door frame and taking another hit. “Aw what happened to  _ I love you, I’ll do anything for you, daddy,  _ and  _ I can’t wait to get high so you can fuck me so good _ , now you’re with this little petunia? C’mon Markie baby, we know you don’t play that way. You like it hard and you like it rough. Mister Sunshine over here could never give you that.”

“Get. Out.” Mark grits his teeth together. 

“You think you’re so tough, baby?” He chuckles condescendingly, stepping closer to Mark, almost seductively. “C’mon, just get a little high. You know you want to. I’ll send you off with a good fuck before you downgrade.” 

“I don’t  _ want it, Peniel _ , so get the  _ fuck _ out of my house.” 

“At what cost?”

“The authorities are on their way.” Youngjae pipes in. “You’re in possession of two highly illegal drugs and you also are performing sexual harassment on Mark. He’s clearly uncomfortable so leave him the fuck alone.” 

“Oh, Petunia, you’re acting all dominant now that I’ve got him almost wrapped around my finger again. Getting all scared that I’m taking back what belongs to me. I’ll let you in on a little something.” Peniel leans closer to Youngjae, he can smell the marijuana on his tongue and almost taste the smoke on his lips. “Mark over here is a sex fiend. He’ll only stay with you if you fuck him, and fuck him good. Don’t count on him, okay? He’s loved me for so long, he doesn’t know anything other than my  _ sweet, hot love _ .” 

Mark slaps Peniel across the face. Mark doesn’t get physically violent – he’s never been physically violent, but he’s had enough. He’s seething with anger, all he can see is red, and his blood is beyond its boiling point. “Don’t  _ fucking _ talk to him like that. Don’t talk to him like we were something good. I was your average everyday fuck and that was it. You’re nothing, so don’t fucking talk to him like you’re so good.  _ You’re not _ . You don’t know jack shit about me.”

Peniel raises a brow, rubbing his cheek, hot where Mark slapped him. “Feisty now, aren’t we, baby. The crazies got to your head, you were such a calm and obedient boy before you went there.” 

“Because I didn’t know any other way to get someone to fucking like me!” He screams, holding himself back from kneeing Peniel in the gut. “Get the fuck out.  _ Get the fuck out _ .” 

Peniel shrugs and leaves, laughing maniacally and shaking his head, putting out his joint on Mark’s wall and letting it fall to the ground. When the door finally shuts, signifying closure, Mark cries. He cries so hard that he almost feels sorry for Youngjae – the nurse has seen him vulnerable, but never so broken, never so scared, and never so exposed. 

His wails fill the room, and he doesn’t resist when Youngjae pulls him into his arms, hugging him tightly and kissing the crown of his head over and over, saying they’re going to be okay, that he’s going to be okay. “I really did call the police on him. I got his license plate in case he left before they arrived, but they may still stick around for questioning.” 

Mark nods into Youngjae’s chest, still crying, burying himself in Youngjae like it’s the only thing he knows how to do. In moments where he finally thinks he’s going to be okay, it all comes crashing down. And he hates that. He hates it so much, he hates being so vulnerable, he hates who he was, and sometimes still hates who he is, no matter how much Youngjae has taught him self worth.

Mark looks up at him with tear stained cheeks, eyes a bloodshot red and hiccups pounding at his chest and stomach. The look in Youngjae’s eyes are so sad, and Mark wishes he wasn’t such a burden. 

“Do you want to tell Jinyoung to reschedule for a little later when you’re feeling better?” Mark nods at him, sniffling quietly and laying down on the bed, snuggling underneath the blankets. Mark allows Youngjae access to his phone to text Jinyoung, forgetting about the ridiculously cheesy and whipped texts he’d sent to Jinyoung in the morning.

Youngjae smiles when he reads the texts, heart fluttering in his chest. He doesn’t forget his task, though.

**to: nyeong**

**hey, it’s youngjae. we ran into a bit of a problem and mark isn’t feeling too well, so we were wondering if we could push back to dinner, maybe?**

**to: m hyung**

**is he alright?**

**to: nyeong**

**alright seems sufficient. he’ll be okay. he’s just a bit shaken.**

**to: m hyung**

**we can always drop by wherever you are right now and hang out. maybe he needs some comfort?**

**to: nyeong**

**i think he feels like a bit of a burden even to me right now, and i think having a lot of people around him might not be the best idea. like i said, is dinner okay?**

**to: m hyung**

**dinner is just fine. tell mark hyung i hope he gets better. thank you for taking care of him.**

**to: nyeong**

**it’s no problem**

**i love him**

**i’ll let him know**

Youngjae sets Mark’s phone down on the table, scooting closer to him so he can draw the same soothing circles on his skin and play with his hair. “Jinyoung said it was okay.” 

Mark just nods softly and sits up, wiping at his eyes and staring at Youngjae. “Let’s talk… about what he said. P-Peniel, I mean, not Jinyoung.”

“Are you sure?”

“I want to clear up any misunderstandings.” 

“Okay. We can talk then.” 

“What he said about the sex…” Mark hangs his head low. “I’m not proud of it. I’m not proud of who I was, what I was like. I’m not proud of throwing myself away because I was so needy for attention, for love. I’m not proud of any of it. He never loved me. You know that, I’ve told you that much. It felt like it – but those three words, he said those three words so much and I believed it. So I let him have his way with me. I was so stupid. I was  _ so, so stupid _ . I have my regrets, I could have lived my life so differently, so happily. But I don’t have them, either. Because it led me to you, Youngjae…”

“Regardless of what he says, I am so,  _ undoubtedly _ , in love with you. God, I didn’t even think of what having sex with you would be like until he brought it up. And I don’t care. I really don’t. I know we’re not at that stage of our relationship yet, but the only reason I was the way I was about sex because it was the only way I knew it. I only knew it rough, drugged – almost non consensual, but with you, God, I’d wait a million years for you if you asked. I never loved him, I loved the idea of him. I loved feeling wanted. I broke laws to be with him, and the only thing I broke to be in love with you were my walls. And it should be that way. I should feel okay to be vulnerable in front of you, and I do.” 

Youngjae holds Mark’s hands in his own, tightly, to tell him he’ll never let go of him. If he had to die holding onto Mark, he would. “I love you.”

Mark’s eyes shoot up to look at him. “You do?” 

“I do.” Youngjae kisses the backs of Mark’s hands. “I was telling Jinyoung that we would move our plans to dinner, and he thanked me for taking care of you. I didn’t even realize it but I typed out the words ‘I love him’ and it hit, but it didn’t shock me. It felt right. I love you. I  _ love _ you. I love  _ you _ .  _ I  _  love you. You.” 

Mark leaps forward and kisses him, pulling the younger man into his lap so they can kiss harder and deeper. Youngjae loves him, and he loves Youngjae. It feels like a dream. Youngjae practically moans into Mark’s mouth when his hands travel down to his ass, but he breaks the kiss to shyly protest. Mark just nods and returns his hands to Youngjae’s waist, kissing his neck and sucking a hickey into his collarbone, enjoying the subtle whines that slip from his lips. He admires the blossoming bruise and pulls Youngjae to lay down next to him, hugging him tightly. “I love you so much. Thank you for everything.” 

They begin to kiss again, and one kiss leads to several more, and more kisses lead to roaming hands and fleeting, lingering touches. Mark makes love to Youngjae, either of them consistently letting their love and affection be known throughout. It isn’t until they wake to the noisy ring of Mark’s phone on the bedside table that they detangle from each other, hurriedly throwing on the clothes they were wearing initially and rushing out the door. 

Everything feels so right. Not only does Mark feel much more emotionally intimate with Youngjae, but the feeling transfers over to the physical connection. He finally feels one hundred and ten percent comfortable with the man, and even more in love.

Mark doesn’t miss the smug look on Jinyoung’s face when he sees the hickeys that litter Youngjae’s neck, the only  _ visible _ hickeys, the ones they were too in a rush to cover up. Youngjae doesn’t even mind, though, as he proudly holds out a hand to shake Jinyoung and Jaebum’s own, properly introducing himself as Mark’s boyfriend.

Mark’s boyfriend.

The love of Mark’s life. 

Mark knows how lucky he is. Jinyoung scoops Mark into a tight, comforting hug, and his heart warms. For once in his life things feel right, and he wouldn’t trade it for the world.

When Mark excuses himself to the bathroom, Jinyoung’s eyes narrow in on Youngjae. “What happened to him? Why’d you have to reschedule?” 

Youngjae glances back so not to get caught, though he’s sure Mark wouldn’t mind him telling. “His ex came unexpectedly. He started harassing Mark and tried to pressure him into getting high and having sex with him. He tried to convince me that Mark wouldn’t stay unless we constantly had sex. Mark was so broken and defeated, we talked it out, and then we, uhm, well… we…” He rubs his nape shyly, and Jinyoung offers him a soft smile. 

“Yeah. I can tell. You two weren’t very subtle.” He gestures toward his own neck. “But I thank you. I always feel so sorry because I was never able to give Mark the world like he deserves. You are his world now, and he has you.” 

“Did Mark tell you?”

“About his feelings? Yeah. Just before he went to go meet you, I think. I thought it would’ve made me uncomfortable, but he talked about you like you held the entire universe in his hands, and I figured that much that I shouldn’t be uncomfortable.”

Mark returns and Youngjae just laces his fingers with the elder’s, pulling their hands to rest comfortably in his lap. Mark smiles at him, and Jinyoung can easily see the love in their eyes as they exchange glances. That must be how he and Jaebum looked to Mark. But Mark felt lonely before. 

Youngjae allows Mark to stay at his place another night, but when someone walks in on their heavy makeout session and screeches. Youngjae cringes, remembering his roommate was coming back that night. 

“Hyung! Why not at least in your room?” He whines, setting his stuff down on the counter and sitting on their barstool. “I appreciate that you finally have someone to suck face with and you’re finally getting laid but-”

“Gyeomie.” Youngjae interrupts. “This is Mark. Mark, this is my roommate and best friend, Yugyeom.” 

“Mark?” Yugyeom’s eyes brighten, and he immediately pushes away the fact that he’d just walked in on the couple getting handsy. “Oh, my, Mark, we’ve been waiting so long to meet you. By we, I mean me and another friend of ours. Youngjae’s been talking about you nonstop.” 

Mark blushes heavily, burying his nose in Youngjae’s neck before gathering the courage to go up to Yugyeom, shaking his hand. “It’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m sorry for intruding.”

“Intruding? No, not at all. I forgot to tell Youngjae I was coming home tonight anyway. You two have fun, I was just dropping my stuff off, I was going to meet up with Bambam anyway.” Yugyeom winks at Youngjae and the elder groans. “Well, tell Bamie I said hi. We should go for dinner later this week.” 

“Will do. I’ll get going now.” He smiles and takes his long legs straight out the door, allowing Youngjae to sigh in relief. 

“Such awkward timing.” He chuckles, but Mark only shakes his head and smiles. “It would’ve been worse any other time. I kinda just wanted to sit around and talk anyway. I had a few questions.” 

“Ask away.” 

“Before me, were you ever in love?” 

Youngjae tangles his fingers with Mark’s, pulling him toward his bedroom so they can lie down and talk comfortably. “Yes. Once.”

“So if you’ve loved once, now twice, you can love again.” 

“Of course I can love again. But love isn’t that simple.” He shrugs. “I should ask you, if this feels like real love to you.” He curls up closer to Mark’s side, letter the elder wrap his arm around his waist.

“I don’t know what it means to be in  _ real love _ . But I know what I feel for you is true. I know that much.” 

“I didn’t experience love like you have. I’ve never known the bad sides of love, maybe I have, but I just didn’t know it. My first love was special. We separated because we fell out of love. Not because someone was toxic, someone was hurting the other, nothing was unrequited. Our love was simple like that. Wanna know what I think about love?” 

Mark nods meekly, glancing over at Youngjae, eyes sparkling slightly. 

“Love is and always will be an unexplainable force. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned, you should never have to love in fear. Love, Mark, love is not letting someone hurt you ten times over and still running back to them, love is not waking up every morning wondering if that person still loves you. When you love, you should love fearlessly. You should feel confident, loving is not letting someone have full power over how you feel.” 

“You are your own person, with your own decisions, and your own feelings. You’ve grown so infatuated with the idea of needing someone to love you in order for you to love yourself, when the reality is that you need to love yourself before you let others love you. That’s why I waited for you. I noticed, Mark. I noticed how you changed the way you looked at me, I noticed when you became more affectionate, but I wanted you to know your self worth before you realized that you could have someone there to add onto it. Of course after all those times I wanted to show you how much I liked you, how much I love you, but I couldn’t do it. I had to wait until I was absolutely positive you were capable of loving yourself.”

“And I know you will have your bad days, that you will have your days of self loathing and self hatred, but I accept that, and I will guide you through it, always. Because I know your heart isn’t so full of self pity anymore but you know your worth. I didn’t want to know you loved me thinking I was only a temporary catalyst for your sense of self. I couldn’t do that to you, I couldn’t hurt you like that. I couldn’t let you hurt yourself like that. But I will always be your light back home, okay? Because I know that I love you bravely, fearlessly, and unconditionally.” 

Mark leans forward and kisses Youngjae. “I have never been more confident about anyone like I am with you. I have had past experience with love that was never good, one would think I don’t have the trust in you that is there. You’re so good to me, Youngjae. You’re everything I’ve ever wanted and so much more, I’d be a fool to love you in fear.” 

“And thank you,” Mark begins again, admiring the way the gentle moonlight shines on Youngjae’s pale skin. “For everything. For waiting for me, for wanting me, and for loving me regardless of how fucked up I really am.”

Youngjae pulls the duvet over their bodies, the cold winter tickling at their spines. But the warmth he feels just being with Mark is incomparable, immeasurable. “I’ve never been more sober in my life. I don’t know if I’d ever be on a better road to recovery if you weren’t here for me. So I thank you.”

Mark doesn’t need to hear any words from Youngjae, he just wants the boy to know how he feels and how his gratitude will never disappear. Youngjae just smiles at him, even when it’s dark and they can hardly make out each other’s faces, Mark knows how bright he looks. Youngjae hums a soft tune, admiring the way Mark’s eyes begin to droop, gently fluttering shut for the rest of the night. 

Mark dreams of Youngjae in the spring, and he thinks of all the flowers the man has planted in his heart that have already began to bloom. Mark dreams of summer road trips and being high on nothing but the ecstasy of being in love with Youngjae, being high on life, and on happiness. Not something he’s ever known before, but is just getting acquainted with. 

**Author's Note:**

> so... what did you think? finally some closure for mark, some background for mark, a look into his mind while all the jjp was happening, before, and after.
> 
> it really wasn’t meant to be this deep or this long. fellow authors would know that sometimes, you don’t write the story and the story writes itself. that’s what happens, and although a hefty 15.7k words, i do hope it was worth the read!
> 
> comments are much appreciated, and i’m @yienlove on twitter for you to yell at me or scream with me or anything!


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